It’s been years since you left the Mountain Kingdom for the mines in Mzansi.
Don’t be surprised to receive this letter from me.
It’s your nephew Khotso, that toddler who could barely put on his pants without leaning against the wall when you left for the mines.
Though I was young I can remember how the elders went on and on about the fact that you had gone to Gauteng.
It did not matter which part of Mzansi you had gone to, for them it was just Gauteng.
Since you left I have grown and have just graduated from the initiation school where they claim to panel-beat boys into men.
My father, your younger brother, died last year.
Uncle Ts’ola, your other brother, passed on a few months ago.
Aunt Lineo was also called yonder some two years ago.
But fear not, uncle, for I will not ask why you never made it to their funerals.
It was your choice to make.
I am too young to judge the actions of an old man like you.
Since you left, uncle, many things have happened back home.
Many people in the village have died.
You have probably heard that Lebohang, that friend of yours who could not say no to the merry waters, joined the ancestors recently.
He was buried with that tie and jacket that you sent him from Gauteng.
Some cousins and nephews have also retired prematurely from this mother earth.
But I am not writing to remind you of the sad things that have happened in your absence.
Uncle, I have come of age and it’s time I have a human being in that other inner room used for extremely private matters.
I want to marry.
I therefore need an uncle’s advice to make this crucial decision.
There are many potentially marriable girls in the village but the problem is that they are all taken.
Not by other men but by political parties.
Tell me Uncle, how did you come to the decision to marry my aunt, your wife, who was a bonafide BNP supporter?
I ask because this is the quandary I have to deal with.
Do I marry a girl from BNP, LCD, ABC, LWP, NIP, MFP, BCP, LPC, BAC, BANC, UP, SDU, LEP, NPP or Senkatana?
I have been scrutinising them all and I must say I am disappointed by the scope of my choice.
ABC girls are quite overzealous and they dance like there is no tomorrow at their rallies.
I am sure you don’t need a rhumba queen for a daughter-in-law.
The party’s rallies are just too many so I am afraid if I marry from there my wife might never spend a weekend at home.
The other problem is that they sound like they are ill-tempered.
If you deny them even a hair-do they might call a stay-away.
Who needs an activist in his house?
And God knows where they will get the energy to work for the family when they use all the power they have to sing praises to their leaders.
LCD girls are stubborn, uncle.
Once an internal quarrel has been sorted by the village courts they will stuff their ears if you try to discuss it at home.
If you ask how they will end hunger in the house they will tell you what a wretch you were before they came into your life.
Apart from that, they are just a boring lot.
The girls from NIP and LWP are hostile to hard work but they still want a good life.
They would rather eat than work for anything.
They just want freebies.
I doubt their loyalty too.
They are the kind of people that will leave their husbands when they are broke.
The chicks from BNP are very fond of old things. And they are very unpredictable too.
You give them a little power in the house and soon they want it all.
And they like taking over things.
Those from the BCP are tired and out of tune with reality.
They bore me with their stories about how beautiful their grandmothers were in 1952 as if they lived in those times.
Girls from MFP like taking matters to the village courts every time there is a fight in the house.
I suspect those from Senkatana have a roving eye.
I have no words for BANC, UP, SDU, LEP and BAC chicks.
Either they lack ambition or just they are not serious about starting a family.
This is the quandary I face.
Perhaps the beautiful ones are not yet born. Perhaps your wise words might help me make a choice.
PS: Please tell auntie that her fellow BNP supporters are now so few that they can’t even fill a 4+1 taxi these days.